Ashley Jamesのインスタグラム(ashleylouisejames) - 9月15日 05時49分

Knowing this fact, quite honestly saved me in moments of despair: Did you know that flamingos lose their pink whilst raising their babies? Raising their chicks is intense and draining, that it literally drains the colour from them. But as their chicks grow and they become more independent, their colour comes back? 🦩💓

You know, I still find it hard to think or talk about how depressed I was from about 6 months to 12 months postpartum with Alf. I’m going to share this because I know just how many new mums suffer in silence. Who feel like there’s something wrong with them for feeling a sense of regret and mourning for their old life. Even friends of mine who had long fertility journeys have admitted to feel this way.

I should caveat what I’m about to say with how much I love my son. I think part of the problem is that we even have to caveat it. Of course we love our babies. I think if a man’s world (physically and emotionally and spiritually) changed as much as ours overnight there’d be more compassion for the struggle. But as a woman, having a baby is almost seen as our lifelong purpose and something we should do with a smile on our face.

But I found it really hard to adapt to motherhood. In hindsight, I’m not quite sure if part of my feelings were due to lockdown. I’m sure it’s a factor.

See I went into lockdown happy. I loved life exactly where it was. I didn’t want children. Everything from home to career to friendship to travel to my relationship was exactly how I’d imagined. Then Alf came - he was my saving grace through a scary time and I loved the newborn stage.

By the time we came out of lockdown, it hit me how much life had changed.

I felt trapped. Trapped because I loved my child so much, but hated the monotony of parenthood. The recovery. The fact I had nothing to talk about. And guilt. So much guilt. For feeling the way I felt. I used to Google ‘is it normal to regret Motherhood’.

I’m proud of how throughout it all, my love I showed Alf was constant.

But I just want to say, that these feelings are normal. It’s ok if you feel these things.

And you will get your pink back. I’m in my happiest chapter and that’s because of my babies. 🦩💓

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